Subject 223
by Stefi Delly
Summary: Years after being a subject in a facility that experimented on psychics and supernaturals, Emma still has nightmares of the horrors and pain. She has a stash of alcohol that she turns to when the traumatizing memories get too overwhelming. Regina finds out. [AU where Swan Queen are living together. Telepathic Emma. Telekinetic Regina]


**SUBJECT 223**

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 _Notes_ : I might submit this to a contest but the contest is only asking for 2k-3k word pieces so I'm gonna have to cut out almost 2k words out of this so consider this the Director's Cut. Also if you want more from this universe, you can read the feature-length monstrosity entitled _Subject 204_. It's redbeauty-centric though but Emma and Regina are major characters. There's also a swanqueen prequel spinoff in Regina's POV, written by my friend Leticia but that's on Ao3, entitled _all the experiments we did along the way_

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Electricity coursed through her veins, burning under her skin with agony that made bile rise in her throat and screams tear through her chest. As much as she wanted to thrash and writhe, the leather straps kept her bound to the chair. They were at the mercy of their tormentor and there was nothing that could be done about it.

But she _could_ do something about it.

All she had to do was sever the link keeping her locked onto Subject 204. It was _her_ body that the electric prods were jabbing into. _Her_ body that Gold was inflicting pain upon.

The agony finally came to a jarring halt, leaving her limp against her bindings. Her skin felt red and raw, already starting to bruise where her thrashing had made her chafe against the straps. Air made its ragged way out of her lungs as she breathed heavily. The sour taste in her throat made her thirsty, only serving to remind her it had been a few hours since her last ration of water.

And she doubted they would give her any until well after this test was over.

She didn't have to do this.

Indeed, she had to put up with whatever tests and games Gold concocted in his twisted little head. She was basically his property, after all. The outside world couldn't care less about some stupid psychic juvenile.

But she didn't have to maintain the telepathic link with 204. She didn't have to keep sharing in the agony of 204's torture. She didn't have to keep trying to bear some of the pain for 204.

 _Emma…_

204's thoughts came through as rough, raw emotion. Accompanying it were images of a classroom full of blood and screams as the monster within came bursting out, destroying everything.

 _I'm a monster._

The thoughts were more garbled than concise, a rush of distress and guilt. Overwhelming heaviness blanketed Emma as she felt how much 204 saw herself as a creature that deserved the punishment. Saw herself as a monster that deserved to be injected with chemicals, cut open with silver blades, jolted with bolts of electricity, beaten with heavy blows, reprimanded with cold words.

204 wanted Emma to stop absorbing the punishment. It was something that 204 willingly accepted as her penance for her past. Her burden to bear. Emma didn't need to share in it and should just cooperate with Dr. Gold instead of antagonizing him.

The pain was something 204 wanted to face alone.

 _No_. Emma stayed firm with her resolve even as fear trickled into her stomach, twisting it into knots at the thought of going through the agony of the electricity all over again _. I'm not leaving you to face this alone._

How could she?

204 had been a prisoner here for _seven_ years.

In that time, Gold had managed to systematically break down every single part of her. Cutting her, shocking her, beating her, nearly drowning her, talking down to her- it was all part of his plan to strip 204 of any remaining sense of humanity.

What remained was this broken person with sunken green eyes, protruding cheekbones and scars slicing across every inch of visible skin.

This person was so broken that no matter how much Emma probed and searched, she couldn't find a name.

All she could find was The Subject. Monster. The Wolf. _204_.

The self-hatred ran so deep that 204 felt like she didn't deserve a name anymore.

It sent rage burning through Emma. She wanted nothing more than to break through the leather straps and wrap her hands around Gold's skinny little throat, choking the life out of him and punishing him for all the harm he put 204 through and all the isolation and humiliation he put Emma through and all the degradation and pressure he put Regina through.

Gold had his hand on 204, stroking the brutally short strands of her shaved head like she was some treasured pet. That's essentially what she was to him, after all. It didn't take psychic ability to see how much he enjoyed having 204 as his possession to experiment on. His favorite little lab rat.

"Are you more inclined to cooperate, dearie?" The condescending tone Gold used made Emma's blood boil.

Even if she was still struggling to get air back into her lungs, Emma managed to straighten up and square her shoulders. With a curled lip and a stiff jaw, she looked Gold straight in the eye and spat out two words. " _Fat chance_."

Gold narrowed his eyes and was silent for a while, almost like he was waiting for her to change her answer, giving her one more chance to make things easier.

But she didn't.

And that's when he jabbed the prod back onto 204.

The current jolted and burned its way through 204's body. Through the link, Emma could feel it.

She could feel it and she did her best to direct it towards herself, pulling as much of it as she could away from this broken person who deserved so much better than the miserable existence she'd been living for seven years.

The agony was just about unbearable though. She couldn't help the way her body contorted and jerked as her muscles contracted against her will while her skin crawled with a prickle that seemed to burn behind her ears. Each spasm of her body added to the rawness and tenderness of her skin. Emma genuinely feared her own thrashing would break her wrists or ankles or ribs each time the straps held fast against her struggles.

Through it all, 204 kept sending messages of distress to Emma. The words were jumbled but the emotion behind the message was clear.

204 felt guilt and didn't want Emma to take the pain for her. This was not Emma's punishment. Emma didn't deserve this. 204 did.

"You don't deserve this anymore than I do!" Emma hadn't realized she was screaming out the response instead of thinking them until it hit her how raw her throat felt as the words tore their way out of her.

She continued to jerk and thrash against her bindings, bringing herself closer and closer to a bruised rib, a dislocated shoulder, a sprained wrist, a broken ankle or any combination thereof. But she couldn't stop herself from the spasms.

All she had to do was sever the link with 204.

But she couldn't.

She _wouldn't_.

It was agony.

All she knew was pain. The pain of the electricity coursing through 204's body. The pain of contracting muscles. The pain of her head threatening to explode with the strain of the maintained connection. The pain of her gnashing teeth constantly clamping down on her tongue or inner cheeks or the swollen lip she got from a punch to the face.

Everything was pain and she didn't know how much more of it she could take.

Screams wrenched out of her throat but it wouldn't stop and she didn't dare beg for it to stop.

But it was agony.

It was torture.

* * *

There were two sources of light- the lamp at Regina's bedside table and the nightlight in the corner by the door. There was no sign of the sun yet and after rolling over to see the clock by her bedside, Emma saw that it was just after three in the morning.

Biting her lip to keep back the swear threatening to leave her mouth, she settled for sitting up as slowly as she could, aware of how Regina was finally asleep. The medical books were still strewn over the bed and some research papers were on the floor. A binder was draped over Regina's chest while her reading glasses were askew on her nose.

At least one of them was capable of sleeping through the night without devolving into nightmares.

Emma knew that Regina did still dream about the facility sometimes. It was clear when she did. There was a way that lines carved onto her forehead and a grimace tended to form on her mouth. Sometimes she would whisper Gold's name or whimper about her mother.

At least tonight, Regina's face was still and relaxed. She almost looked serene. They worked hard to reach this point. Blood, sweat and a whole lot of tears brought them to this place in their lives where they could finally sleep without handcuffs or eat without cameras watching them. Gone were the days when they could only communicate telepathically, separated by thick walls and restrained by heavy straps.

They were together now and they were free.

But the stiffness to Emma's jaw and the painful pounding of her heart made her feel like she wasn't really all that free. It felt like only a few seconds ago that she was still strapped down in one of the big testing rooms, being pressured and tortured into controlling Ruby's mind while Regina was being ordered to later control Ruby's body. Memories of being locked in a small room still came back so vividly she could feel her knuckles still throbbing from how she'd pounded them against the metal doors.

Emma didn't need to look down at her hands to know that her knuckles held no scars from that. She had scars from her shitty life in foster care, but hardly any from her tests at the facility. Nowhere near as bad as Ruby's decorated skin.

Reaching over with slow, careful movements, Emma eased the glasses off of Regina's face before putting them on her bedside table. The binder came next. It was more of a challenge since Emma had to make sure not to accidentally crease the pages Regina put so much effort into keeping pristine.

Until of course she fell asleep in the middle of studying.

Emma didn't particularly like how much Regina worked herself, but it was one way of coping with the nightmares. One that probably was a lot more effective than other more destructive methods. At least _she_ could be productive in how she coped. Emma didn't think she could be as good at that.

With a sigh, she decided not to bother going back to sleep. That would just open the door to more nightmares and Emma wasn't in the mood to start her Monday with vivid flashes of the facility.

Careful to move with as much quietness as she could manage, Emma eased herself out of the blanket and slipped out of bed. A few quick glances at Regina showed that she was still asleep. The dim light highlighted the scar on her relaxed lips.

A soft sound slipped through them, something of a groan or a grumble as Regina rolled onto her side.

Emma waited for more movement, but when none came, she continued to tiptoe her way through the room and out the bedroom door. She bit her lip as she inched it closed- carefully, slowly, _quietly_.

The door closed with a soft click.

For a moment, Emma waited with baited breath for more movement from Regina, but again, there was none. She continued to sleep her peaceful sleep.

There was a temptation to envy Regina for her good sleep tonight, but Emma knew better than to do that. She knew it was a good thing that Regina was capable of sleeping well on good nights. That was a gift.

After all the pain and terror, it was good to see the way she could relax. She no longer had to maintain her stoic mask and stiff posture. She could just… sleep.

And during the day, she could smile and laugh and eat and be free.

If Emma had wished hard for anything while they were in that facility, she had wished for Regina to be free and at peace.

Emma herself though, she didn't quite know anymore. She had wanted to be free of that place, but it still haunted her dreams. Even now, as she made her way down the hall to the kitchen, she could still remember what it felt like to have her hands cuffed behind her back as guards marched her down to her latest test.

In the kitchen, Emma went straight for the cupboards, opening the one full of different flavors of hot chocolate powder. It contained everything from the peppermints to the red velvets to the hazelnuts to the cinnamons. This was the cupboard Regina rarely opened since it was specifically Emma's territory.

Taking several cans out, Emma put them on the counter before digging her hand deeper into the cupboard until she found what she was looking for. Her hand closed around the bottle as she eased it out of the cupboard and onto the kitchen table.

Even if the dream was over and the facility was shut down and Gold was in prison with his license revoked, Emma's heart continued to hammer against her chest. She hated how it wouldn't settle and how the twisting in her stomach made her feel torn between taking a dump or vomiting her dinner.

Suppressing a sigh, Emma brought out her usual glass and sat on the table.

 _On_ the table.

Regina would probably disapprove, but Emma couldn't help the urge to brake stupid little rules once in a while. This was a harmless one anyway. Sitting on the table at least.

The sneaky drinking though…

Emma would rather not think about how Regina might respond. That was a confrontation best avoided.

Trembling hands poured the brandy. It took effort and concentration to keep herself from spilling it all over the place. Regina would notice the smell if that happened.

Gritting her teeth, Emma willed her hands to still as she put the bottle down and brought the glass to her lips. The first sip burned through her throat and fired its way down her chest. She grimaced at the feeling, but took another sip, wishing the buzz would set in faster. Another sip scorched its way into her.

Her heart had finally stopped pounding its way all over her ribcage, but there was still a tightness to her chest.

She wasn't sure if the brandy made it better or worse. The only thing she knew was that she preferred the burn over the tightness.

They were free now. There were no more cuffs, no more electric prods, no more sedatives, and no more guards at every corner. Cameras were no longer watching their every move. People in labcoats were no longer monitoring every accelerated heartrate or brainwave spike. Stiff hospital gowns no longer draped over her body. Gold's crooked teeth no longer hovered over her face. His voice no longer pierced her ears with orders and questions.

Emma drank up the rest of the glass's contents and refilled it.

Each sip burned her with the bitter taste of shame as it once again crossed her mind that she shouldn't be this bothered after four years. She shouldn't still be having nightmares and she shouldn't need to sneak sips in the middle of the night.

Ruby had it worse. They treated her like an animal for seven years. Regina had it worse too. She spent a good chunk of her life there, being brought in for testing since childhood and ultimately being sold to them by her mother. Emma's own angst was just some stupid burden that nobody else needed to hear. They were better off dealing with their own shit and Emma was better at being the group's comic relief. Who else could take it upon themselves to come up with something witty to say whenever things got too quiet?

She took a long sip from the refilled glass. The buzz was barely setting in. Maybe there was something stronger she could invest in next time.

" _Emma_."

The voice was a soft whisper, but it still startled Emma into nearly spilling her glass. Moving off of the table in an ungraceful scramble, she tried to hide the bottle and the glass on the counter behind her.

But she knew it was too late.

The link they shared since being in the facility wasn't always as concrete since now they actually had the freedom to verbally talk to each other, but it was still present enough for them to feel each other's emotions. And right now, there was hurt and disappointment flooding through Regina in waves. It sent stabs of guilt through Emma's chest.

"What are you doing?" Regina's voice hardened, punctuated with ice. "Do you _know_?"

The nearing confrontation sent dread settling a heavy weight in Emma's stomach. Her hands still trembled as she turned to move the bottle and the glass further away from the edge of the counter.

"Do _not_ turn your back on me." The words were harder, sharper, but Regina made no move to approach Emma. A swam of thoughts were buzzing through their heads, tied to a mangled mixture of emotions that all sent bitter tastes in their mouths. There were questions of _why_ and _how long_ just at the tip of Regina's tongue. There was the pain of flashing back to the smell of alcohol in her mother's breath. There was the fear of being screamed at or beaten for being out of line, all while alcohol filled her senses.

This was something that Regina didn't want to go through again.

There was tension along Regina's jaw as Emma forced herself to turn around and face her. "It's not the same thing." The excuse sounded hollow in a throat still warmed by the brandy.

"It's _entirely_ the same thing." Regina still didn't move from where she stood in the hallway, shoulders stiff, back straight, lips tensed. "Open the other cupboard. By the microwave."

"Look," The buzz was finally starting to drape a blanket of cotton over her head, but now she had to fight it to stay sharp throughout this conversation. This _confrontation_. "I just have trouble sleeping sometimes. You _work_ till you fall asleep _. I_ just take a few sips here and there when I can't get myself to close my eyes."

Through clenched teeth, Regina spoke with a curled lip. "Open the other cupboard."

"This isn't-"

" _Open_." Regina finally stepped forward. " _It_." She brought herself towards Emma, closing the distance between them and blasting her with wave upon wave of anger and pain. It was suffocating to feel the sharp stab of betrayal in Regina's chest, while the burn of her rage scorched through Emma.

It was too overwhelming.

Emma pulled away, severing the link and stepping back a few steps.

Without another word, Regina cast a glance at the indicated cupboard. Its doors burst open with a violent bang that echoed in Emma's ears and made her flinch. She turned to look at it and saw it was the one she rarely opened since it usually contained all the spices and ingredients Regina used for her special recipes.

Instead, the usual contents of the cupboard had all been emptied out, replaced now by bottle upon bottle of the different brands of alcohol Emma had tried and consumed in her search for stronger hits. What little buzz fogging her mind was gone as she took in the sight.

"That's all just from last week," The hardness in Regina's voice was starting to melt again. By the end, she was back to whispering. "A little after I first noticed bottles in the trash."

They're old. I got them from someone. Aurora left them with me. I was saving them for something. Recycling or whatever. It's part of a project with work. _It's not a big deal._

Excuses and denials ran through Emma's mind, but even without linking their minds, she knew Regina wouldn't let any of them slide. This was a real problem they were supposed to face instead of rationalize. There was no need to make things any more complicated than it needed to be.

But admitting that this was a problem felt like a rock stuck in her throat. She couldn't get herself to spit it out as her shaky hands ran through her hair to brush strands away from her warm face.

"Don't you _dare_ try to tell me again that this isn't the same thing." The quiet words cut into Emma, but she couldn't bear to bring herself to look at Regina. The kitchen floor was less painful to make eye contact with. "You've dealt with this kind of thing before. _I've_ dealt with it before and I will _not_ go through it all over again."

It stung to be compared to drunk foster parents or Regina's insane mother. Indignation coursed through Emma for a moment, but she swallowed it back down. With a clenched jaw, she continued to stare at the tiles.

" _Say something_!" The hissed words made Emma flinch.

Feeling her face grow warmer, Emma forced herself to look up at Regina. "What do you want me to say? That I'll throw this all out? That I'm going to go see some shrink and get drugged up with all kinds of shit? I spent more than enough time getting shit pumped into me back at Gold's."

It took two strides to bring Regina right in front of Emma once more. "That's not what this is about."

Emma took another step back, limbs stiff. "What's it about then?"

"It's about how you've been pulling yourself away!" Regina's voice was rising in volume and pitch while her tense hands gestured towards Emma. "It's about you _lying_ to me. _Hiding_ things from me. Choosing _that_ instead of _talking to me_ or even _linking_ with me. It's about you _knowing_ how much this affects me because of Mother and you _still doing it_."

After saying her peace, Regina's shoulders seemed to fall. The angry energy about her settled more into the pain and disappointment. "You haven't been the same since you took that case."

"This isn't about that kid!" Emma's face felt flushed as she bristled at the very mention of her latest client. "815 needs me and-"

"I'm not challenging how much you can help him." Regina interrupted, at first with a raised voice, but she brought her control back over it. Taking a breath, she straightened up and seemed to regather herself before continuing with a cooler tone. "I'm only pointing out that working with a boy born in a facility like ours may be triggering you."

815 needed Emma. The poor kid didn't even have a real name. They'd gone through a few options but he didn't seem too attentive. Her attempts at conversation had usually been met with shrugs and averted gazes. Even when she dared to try using her abilities to read him, she only found walls all around his mind.

"He needs me."

"I know." The smallest of nods touched Regina's head, but still, she persisted. "But that doesn't change what I said. You've been having nightmares again. You've been pulling away. We haven't been as linked as we were before."

Feeling warmth spreading over her eyes, Emma frowned and looked away from Regina. "I don't…" The words choked out of her in a pitch too high for her liking.

Emma took a deep breath and took another step back, leaning against the counter. Exhaling, she tried again, in a voice that was clearer. "I don't want to burden anyone with whatever I've got going on. You don't need that."

Regina drew closer but didn't touch Emma, choosing instead to lean on the counter next to her. "It's not a burden you have to bear alone. We promised to help each other. Just like we kept each other strong at the facility. You don't have to pull away and shoulder it on your own."

The warmth in Emma's eyes were now accompanied by tightness in her throat. "You don't need me breaking down and talking about my feelings and shit. You've all had it worse." Her hands were trembling, even as she tried to clench them into fists. "I can deal with it on my own."

" _Deal with it on your own_?" Regina tensed up again, raised her voice again. "This _isn't_ the way to do it!"

Air rushed out of Emma in a heavy exhale before she unclenched her fists and ran them through her hair. Her eyes were warm and wet and she wanted to wipe them or blink them dry, but that would involve letting on that she was on the verge of fucking _crying_.

"Look." She hardened her voice and tensed her shoulders. Mustering up as much resolve as she could scrounge up, Emma forced herself to look Regina in the eye. "You've all been through worse shit than I have. You were tested pretty much all her life. Ruby was treated like an animal for nearly a decade. Mulan was _tortured_." She choked at the last word.

"What does that have to-"

"You've all been through all kinds of shit!" The retort snapped out of Emma and she hated how her hands trembled and how her eyes couldn't keep the tears back. "You don't need me bringing you down. I'm better at poking fun at things and being snarky about things and just…"

Unable to stop herself anymore, Emma wiped at her eyes. "…I'm better at just being there to cheer you all on and cheer you all up."

"You don't always have to be strong." The softly spoken words were accompanied by warmth in Regina's own eyes. They were shiny too. "You don't always have to be everyone's light. We don't need you to always be some kind of hero or clown or whatever you think you're supposed to be for us."

Sniffling, Emma rubbed her palms against her face and looked away from Regina. Those warm brown eyes were too sad to look at. The sight of them sent guilt stabbing into Emma's gut.

"It doesn't have to be a competition for who's had it worse." Regina continued, and this time she reached for Emma's hand and Emma didn't pull away. "We'll get nowhere if we played that kind of game."

There were tremors to Regina's hands as well. She interlaced their fingers and held firm. "But you need to stop this _drinking_."

Emma clenched her jaw.

When no reply came right away, Regina let go of Emma's hand and moved to stand in front of her. "You're going have to choose." Though the words were delivered in a soft voice that shook as Regina swallowed and shifted her weight, Emma knew this was going to be an inflexible ultimatum. " _Me_ or your _drinks_."

Rules and ultimatums tended to rub Emma the wrong way, and for a moment, this one did. For a moment, she felt resentment towards Regina for forcing this choice. Thoughts of how unfair and unreasonable this was ran through Emma's mind and she almost felt angry with the clear disapproval Regina held for just a few drinks.

But Emma knew this wasn't about just a few drinks.

This was about hiding and lying. This was about being so dependent on a sip here and there to get through life that she was teetering dangerously close to chugging bottles and bottles by the day.

With trembling hands, she reached for the brandy. The smell of it could reach her nostrils, but she bit her lip and forced herself to pour the alcohol down into the sink. Then without a word, she took out the other two bottles behind her hot chocolate and also emptied those out. Resentment managed to sneak into her chest over the wasted alcohol, the wasted expense, the injustice of the ultimatum.

But that was the point, wasn't it?

The fact that Emma could _almost_ choose alcohol over Regina meant that there _was_ a problem and it needed to be addressed.

Arms wrapped themselves around Emma's waist, followed by the familiar weight of Regina's head on her shoulder. She was trembling too, but not as badly as Emma was. A shaky kiss touched her cheek.

"Thank you."

Scrunching her eyes up tight, Emma put a hand over her face while she leaned against the one still propped against the sink. A sob racked through her body as flashes of the facility played through her eyes and her chest ached for the burn and her mind begged for the buzz.

"We'll figure this out." Regina's embrace tightened. "I'm with you."


End file.
